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I used to be so idealist and dreamy when I thought about love in my teenage era. I readily saw love and thought of it readily too. I thought love was just a simple feeling between two people who cherish each other. But the older I got, the more I realized that 'love' wasn't just a simple word with four letters.
I start to wonder, what is love? What kind of thing it is? Does everyone in this world is destined to give and receive love? Or is love just a phrase for some chosen people? I've seen some people who could get love easily, and I've seen some people who needed to beg for it too.
Again, is everyone in this world destined to give and receive love?
My past relationship changed the way I look at love. I learned that love is never enough. Love is important — but it is not enough. If love is enough, why does the one who loves the most usually get hurt the most too? Sometimes love is just a sharp knife that is ready to stab me when I am unaware.
It makes me question many parts of myself and sometimes leaves me in my thought bubbles all alone. I start to lose my trust in it. When someone told me that he loved me, I questioned myself a thousand times, why did he love me? Did he love me because he didn't see the unlovable part of me yet? Will he leave me when he knows that I am just a broken soul who is trying to find a life to live?
I know exactly how it feels to be left without a single explanation, and since that day, I have looked at love awfully. I wonder every day and night, why did he leave me? Did I do anything wrong that hurt him? Did I become a burden to him? Was I becoming the reason for his hard days? What was so wrong with me until he cruelly left me? Did I give too much love?
And another hundred questions that I can't stop thinking about until I feel like my head is ready to explode whenever it wants. He gave me the best feeling in my entire life, but he also hurt me in the cruelest way I couldn't ever imagine before. I gave my heart to him, I trusted him that he could keep it safe, but he threw it away and turned it into a little cute toy.
What a cruel way to kill someone from the inside.
But somehow, I still wish that I could find the kind of love that won't make me suffer like I used to. Whenever I see my parents — how my mom and dad embrace each other, or whenever I see my brother with his spouse, or just a random couple I found on the internet, I still wish that I would find that kind of love in my life too at least for once.
I wanna know how it feels to be loved wholeheartedly, to be cherished, to be embraced, and also to feel safe around a person who was a stranger before. I wanna be loved. I wanna be the reason someone smiles and laughs. I wanna be the reason someone could pass his bad days because he knows he has me around. Because I couldn't feel it in my past relationship.
I don't know do I deserve that kind of love, or if would I meet that person, I know nothing about it now. But I wish I could find that kind of love in my life at least once. I deserve that kind of love too, right?